Associates in Christian Counseling

What's a Parent to Do? - An Interview with Dr. Heath Greene

How does a parent distinguish between an ordinary conflict and bullying?
I would have to say that the short answer is time and severity. There are some clues which parents need to look for in order to evaluate a situation.

Is there a power differential? Is one child a much more intense personality which could indicate bullying? Or are the problems back and forth between the two?
Is there a pattern? Are you always seeing or hearing the same things?
Anything which is very severe, physically or verbally, even one time, needs to be addressed.

What are the warning signs that a child may be a victim of bullying?
A child may be afraid to admit to being bullied for fear it will get worse if Mom or Dad bring attention to it. Some typical signs a parent might notice are:

Unexplained aversion to going to school
No longer wanting to ride the bus or walk to school
Mood shift
Inconsistency in their academic performance
Sleeping or eating problems
Missing or damaged lunchbox, clothing, etc.

If I suspect my child may be a victim, what should I do next?
The first thing to do is provide a safe environment for them to talk to you. They may be reluctant fearing greater retaliation which you will need to overcome. Try to have your child describe in detail the who, what, when and where of what’s happened.

Do not blame the victim.
Asking questions about what they may have done to cause this makes them a
victim twice.
Do not encourage retaliation.
The victim may be physically weaker and retaliation risks further negative consequences such as detention or expulsion.
Do not contact the bully’s parents directly.
Involving a 3rd party will keep the situation from escalating.
Do contact the teacher or the administration with the expectation that it will stop.
Be proactive and document the details you have learned.

Once I’ve involved the teacher or the school, what can I do to help my child?
Parents can identify for themselves possible factors which might have made their child a target. A passive child might be targeted by their peers if they are very quiet or withdrawn, physically weaker, or have poor social skills. Someone who has behaviors which are impulsive, annoying to others, or overly energetic might also be singled out.
None of these things excuse or justify being bullied but a parent can still help their child by encouraging participation in a club, seeking other friends, improving social skills and in building their self-esteem in any way possible.

What if I suspect my child is the bully?
Observe how your child interacts with others.

Are they bossy or domineering in social settings?
Are they defiant with adults?
Do they always seem to be doing something to feel better about themselves?
Do they avoid conforming to social pressures?
Are they hot-tempered and impulsive with their anger?

Some research indicates that more bullies are early bloomers giving them a size advantage over their victims. Other research shows that for some it’s a way to gain popularity. In general, physical bullying is more often done by males while exclusion bullying, isolating someone, is more common among girls. In either case, the self-esteem and self-confidence of the victim is eroded.

How do I keep my child from acting out if he/she is the bully?
The most important way to handle this situation is to have a united plan between home and school. Unacceptable behavior must receive the same negative consequences in both places. On the other side, constructive choices should be positively reinforced in both places. This feedback loop will enable both parents and teachers to see how the program is working.

Self-reflection is one more piece to the puzzle of bullying.

How is conflict modeled for the child at home?
How is anger managed?
Are there limits on TV, movie, and video game violence?

In conclusion…
Parents need to be observers, advocates, and champions for their children. They also need to be willing to look at themselves and their children with honest eyes and make changes when necessary which will pay dividends for a lifetime for everyone involved.

If you are concerned about your child, that he/she may be the victim or a bully,
call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, and make an appointment for direction and help.