Sexuality - Healthy and Unhealthy

On Women
Although we read in Genesis 1:27 that God created us in His image as male and female, our view of sexuality begins at home. “All we know is what we see as children,” stated ACC therapist, Jane Bailey. “I’m reminded of the title of a book by Patsy Clairmont—Normal is Just a Setting on Your Dryer. For children, ‘normal’ in every area of life is what they grow up with in their family of origin.”

Growing up, a daughter learns about sex from her mother. If there is openness, it is perceived as a good thing. If the subject is off limits for discussion, sex must be a bad thing. In adolescence, a girl’s femininity is validated by her father. With so many fathers absent from the home through divorce or single parenthood, the impact is huge. Those deeply ingrained views, whether realistic or distorted, are carried into adulthood and marriage.

“In addition to the home, society plays a large role in our view of sexuality. I believe the media often misguides us into believing that worth and value are tied up in appearance. We really lack good role models in this area,” Jane shared. In his book, Covenant Marriage, Dr. Gary Chapman goes on to say, “God is the author of sex; therefore sex is good. It is sometimes difficult to remember this in a society in which sex has been exploited” (p. 179).

Historically the church was often part of the problem by avoiding the topic. Today, however, this is changing. Many churches offer encouragement to younger women by using the Titus 2 concept of older women being mentors. Books by Christian authors abound on marriage including frank discussions about sex and sexuality. Solomon’s Song of Songs has been rediscovered by pastors and ministries.

For some, however, the view of their sexuality has been shaped by abuse or a forced rather than volitional sexual experience. The result is feeling used rather than valued. Dr. Kevin Leman states, “Good, healthy sex is a marvelous invention that does wonderful things for us physically, relationally, psychologically, and even spiritually. People who have been scarred by unholy sex or who are drowning in a sexual addiction may have a difficult time experiencing just how energizing good, holy sex can be” (Sheet Music, p. 240)

In the last decade, the internet has had a great impact. When asked about this phenomenon, Jane Bailey replied, “I see women struggling with relational addiction rather than sexual addiction directly. They are searching for the emotional connection, to feel affirmed and valued. They visit chat rooms where they connect with a man who will fill that need. It may, in fact, end in a sexual encounter but sex is not the driving force. They are seeking to meet a healthy need in an unhealthy way.”

So what do we do if we’ve come into adulthood with a damaged view of our sexuality? “If either our upbringing or worldly influence has given us an unhealthy view of sexuality, we can work to change it. God’s model of human sexuality for women is for us to be tender, gentle, and nurturing, but also to be strong. Women can move toward a healthy view of sexuality in keeping with God’s design. They can do this for themselves and as a legacy for their own daughters,” Jane concluded.

©2006 Associates in Christian Counseling, all rights reserved.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual or emotional addiction, please call ACC at 336-896-0065, ext. 203