Sexuality - Healthy and Unhealthy

On Men:
“For better or worse, the most significant influence on a child’s view of his sexuality is his family of origin,” stated Dr. Verga. “For a son, his mother’s attitude toward him not only communicates something about women, but perhaps more importantly, how women perceive or value men. His father communicates his view of his own body, and how women are perceived in the eyes of a man.”

With adolescence, there are new challenges to navigate. “A son constantly identifies with his father,” Joe shared. “Growing up in a mother-only home is problematic. He will need a substitute role model. Without that, he will be more vulnerable to influences from peers, the media, etc. That input may well provide a distorted rather than wholesome view of sex and sexuality to him.”

Culture tells us a lot about sexuality and the opposite sex. “Media is surely a dominant influence. Unfortunately, much of what we see in programming, film, and advertising presents a distorted view. When we think of peer influence, we must always consider the relative health of those with whom sons interact.”

In the past the church was often uncomfortable with discussing sex and sexuality but that is improving. “At its best, the church can have a tremendous impact on healthy sexuality. At its worst, or in the absence of a clear message, people are left with a distorted view of God’s design and are instead burdened with inappropriate shame and guilt about being sexual beings,” said Verga.

“Early experiences are powerful and formative. They become the starting point of what we know about something. If that early experience is a traumatic one, such as with abuse, it will carry weight for a long time and need real work to bring healing,” Joe commented. He also shared his concern about middle and high school age children experimenting with sex. “This approach takes sex out of the context of a committed relationship and treats it as a recreational activity. It becomes a substitute for the wholesome things a relationship should provide.”

Dr. Verga went on to say that he believes men often do not understand how powerful and intoxicating their sex drive is. “God has designed us to seek a partner and to procreate. When a man’s view of sex becomes unbalanced, it’s like a runaway train. Someone who might never consider drinking or using chemicals will allow sex to become his drug of choice. With that choice, however, comes spiritual and emotional fallout.” According to a 2005 study by Christianity Today, 57% of pastors said that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue affecting their congregations (Winston-Salem Journal, 10/8/05). Verga believes that the internet provides more opportunity and more temptation. The access is easier; there’s anonymity in obtaining it; and there’s no magazines or movies to hide. In conclusion, Dr. Verga said, “If there is sexual addiction, it needs to be addressed with counseling and accountability. Part of what needs to change, is for a man to learn what true intimacy is. Once he has a taste of how satisfying true intimacy can be, he will no longer need to seek or settle for a counterfeit.”

©2006 Associates in Christian Counseling, all rights reserved.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual or emotional addiction, please call ACC at 336-896-0065, ext. 203.