Associates in Christian Counseling

Dealing with Grief in a Quick-Fix World—
An Interview with Teresa Tindall, LPC

Both her life experience and training give Teresa Tindall the ability to relate to people who are hurt and grieving. Prior to joining Associates, Teresa worked for a time with the Hospice Kid’s Path Program. Read on as she shared her insight into the journey of grief.

What would be the first thing that you would tell someone dealing with grief?
The most basic reality is that no one can do this for you. It is your own personal journey, one you will have to do yourself.

The next question would then have to be “How long does this journey take?”
The simple answer is that there is no answer. When we experience the trauma of loosing someone we love, a general timeline might be a year. We need to have walked through all the firsts—birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. That doesn’t mean that subsequent ones will be pain-free but nothing will be quite like the first one without that special person.

In a culture wanting instant solutions, what would you say to people wanting to know when life will get back to normal?
If you have lost a loved one, life will never be “normal” again. You will, however, find a “new normal.” You will heal and life will go on. You will celebrate special events but there will be awareness on some level of the one who is not there. With time the intensity will stop being overwhelming but I believe you will carry the scar of loss forever.

How would you suggest a person deal with their responsibilities and relationships?
The most important thing is to set up good boundaries for you and with others.
Grieving is a time to truly be selfish. A person needs to pull back from responsibilities and not assume they can carry on with everything as before. Allow yourself to receive from others without feelings of guilt. When necessary, however, also give yourself permission to say no to things and people. Depending on the loss, it may also be difficult for spouses to encourage each other during this time. Men, for example, are programmed to be “fixers.” They may become irritable and frustrated if they don’t know what to do to help their wife or mother.

Could you describe the physical impact of grief?
God has designed our bodies with protective instincts. Our first response is numbness, a natural shutting down of everything for protection. Dealing with the grief then almost comes in cycles like waves. If we were to experience it all at once, it would be like the devastation of a tsunami. But when it comes in waves, there is a time of drawing back in between. In this way, our bodies allow us to process our feelings in installments.

Most commonly people experience difficulties with eating and sleeping. Other symptoms may include headaches, clenched teeth—particularly at night, lower back pain, stomach and digestive problems, and becoming so tense they almost seem to be holding their breath. Initially, medication may be prescribed to help someone stabilize but this will not be a permanent solution. Alcohol and drugs will not eliminate grief. They will mask it and prolong the process of walking through the pain.

How does faith affect the grief journey?
I believe that a person’s relationship with God has an impact on the process. Many will ask the unanswerable question, “Why?” They may find themselves angry at God over what has happened. Some may try to hide or deny that anger which will keep them stuck.
Acknowledging feelings will enable a person to reconnect their relationship with God and be comforted and encouraged by His love and the promises of His Word.

Final thoughts….
When I worked with children at Hospice, I used the example of a volcano. When the earth shifts at its core, there are two possible outcomes. Gas may seep out from thermal vents a little bit here and there. If the pressure is not released that way, it will continue to build until it finally explodes. Grief is hard work but there are people who are specially trained who can help along the way. No one needs to remain stuck or struggle alone.