Overcoming Childhood Fears

We’re all familiar with Charlie Brown of Peanuts fame. In one cartoon, he shares, “I’ve developed a new philosophy, I only dread one day at a time.”

Although dreading one day at a time is probably an improvement over dreading all the days at once, I think we would agree that being filled with dread, fear, or anxiety is not a healthy way to live. But what is a parent to do if they see these things, not in themselves, but in their child? For insight from Dr. Heath Greene and Mrs. Teresa Tindall, two of ACC’s therapists who work with children.

Some anxieties are normal [see the article on First Day Jitters and Beyond]. Many fears such as monsters under the bed, however, are irrational. “As parents, our first reaction is to reassure a child struggling with fear or anxiety. For most children, an occasional reassurance is sufficient,” shared Dr. Heath Greene. “This may not, however, be the best long-term approach with other children. If a fear is irrational in nature, reassurance may not only maintain the fear but actually deepen it, making it more persistent, by not helping the child confront it. I like to describe anxiety as an animal looking for a home. If it is not dealt with, it may become more and more pervasive.”

Dr. Greene suggests parents use a different approach. “Instead of quickly telling a child everything will be ‘fine,’ try asking questions. Help the child use words to describe what they are feeling, thinking or fearing. Listen well, and then help them develop a strategy to overcome the fear.” By helping a child break a problem down into small pieces to work on one at a time, you are teaching a skill which will serve them throughout their lives.

Teresa Tindall pointed out that sometime the difficulty is with the parent rather than with the child. “A parent may be communicating their own concerns and fears to their child. Over time, this may decrease the child’s confidence and self-esteem leaving them with the belief that the world is a scary place where they cannot handle things themselves.” This is the direct opposite of the outcome for which a parent is striving.

In addition to situations which may bring normal anxiety, sometimes children are forced to deal with major life events—parental divorce, death or serious illness of a close family member, dramatic financial change, relocation, etc. Dr. Greene suggests that at these times parents need to be particularly mindful of children who are not verbal processors. “A more verbal child will act out in ways which make their pain obvious. A non-verbal child will go inside himself. He will look compliant on the outside as if he is coping well, while on the inside he may be dying emotionally.” “Apathy may be another warning sign,” added Teresa, “of a child who is really struggling.”

Both Heath and Teresa agree that it should be every parent’s goal to help their child face a fear without being overwhelmed by it.

• Begin by listening.
• Try to help your child confront the fear, one bit at a time.
• If the fear involves school, speak to their teacher or guidance counselor.
• Check with the pediatrician for possible medical causes.
• If their fear or anxiety continues to significantly impact their life, it may be time to consider seeking professional help.

“Particularly with young children, play therapy with puppets or a sand tray often helps them normalize their fear,” Tindall stated. Greene said that building self-esteem in children carries over into their ability to affirm themselves with positive self-talk.

In conclusion, both Mrs. Tindall and Dr. Greene encourage parents to observe, to ask questions, to stay connected, and most importantly, not to wait too long simply hoping their child will just outgrown their fear or anxiety. Heath believes that in setting limits and addressing fears and anxiety, “the real prescription is a balance of structure coupled with love.”

©2006Associates in Christian Counseling, all rights reserved.

If you see your child struggling with fear and anxiety and you’re not sure
how to help them, call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, to make an appointment.