Associates in Christian Counseling

The Not-So-Empty Nest

With the proverbial empty nest being reoccupied with greater frequency today than ever before, how should parents respond? Do they greet the child with open arms? Or turn them away? Do they revert back to the parent/child patterns of the past? Or treat them like tenants?

A child might need to move back in with their parents for a variety of reasons. Just as each child is unique, each set of circumstances and each family setting is unique. There are no black and white guidelines. Whatever the reason for coming home, it should be seen as part of a solution toward the goal of independence and not a return to a permanent state of dependency.

Before a child moves back home, most counselors strongly encourage families to sit down for a “business meeting” and discuss in detail, things that might become problematic. For example, do the parents want the child to pay rent? If so, would that be monetarily or by doing certain chores around the house? Both sides need to be clear about their expectations. Regular times of communication afterward will help to head off any issues before they become problems.

Reinventing the relationship may be a challenge. It can be difficult to not interact in the same patterns that existed during the growing-up years. It is easy for both sides to revert back to old habits and tendencies. Even though the child may now be in his/her twenties, they may neglect chores they’ve been doing while living on their own. At the same time, parents may struggle to adjust to the fact that this is not the teenager who lived in their home during high school over whom they had a level of authority. This is now a young adult who has probably lived on their own for some amount of time either while away at college or working.

Beyond the specific circumstances which caused the return, what is the emotional impact to those involved? If parents are being taken advantage of or being disrespected, or if pre-set boundaries are being violated, it might become necessary to ask the child to move back out which would be very painful. In a healthy situation, however, they can get to know each other under a new paradigm—parents seeing the child as the adult they have become and the child seeing the parents in a more equitable relationship rather than hierarchical. They will be able to have a daily contact to build that new relationship.

God created families and placed children in our homes to nurture and love. It is only through seeking His wisdom that any parent may know what is right for them and their child. There are no simple answers to complicated situations. The desire of God’s heart is that each person experiences His “Welcome Home!” As parents, we must discern if we are a guidepost or an obstacle to that end for each of our children.

If you are struggling with how to parent your adult child,
call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, for an appointment.