Associates in Christian Counseling

"There's no place like home for the holidays"...or is there?

“Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go…”
The lyrics make it sound so simple. In real families, however, celebrating holidays is often much more complicated.

Dr. Jennifer Thomas, Associates’ therapist, wife, mother, daughter and daughter-in-law, has just finished navigating holiday plans with her own family and extended family. “For many years, it was simple to just divide time between both sets of parents,” Jennifer said. “Then siblings moved and my own children got old enough to express their opinions about how, where and with whom holidays were spent. Pleasing 14 people was no easy task!” From both her clinical and personal experience, Dr. Thomas suggests dialogue, compromise and written plans to be sure everyone is considered and has the same expectations.

One of the first things to consider when making holiday plans whether you are traveling or having company is the length of the visit. Benjamin Franklin is credited with saying, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” As much as Grandma and Grandpa may look forward to having grandchildren come to visit, stress may also be an uninvited house guest. “Grandparents may not be used to the normal noise and activity level of the children or the clutter they typically create,” shared Dr. Thomas. “On the other hand, Mom and Dad may be expecting a relaxing visit back home only to become stressed because children are in a different or unfamiliar environment and away from their own routines.” Unrealistic expectations from both host and guests may lead to stress and tension.

Another complication to visits home may be a return to old patterns. The spouse, whose parents are being visited, may drift back into scripts from childhood. As an adult, they have taken on responsibilities such as picking up after children, helping with dishes, etc., which they never had to do when they lived at home before marriage. “Going home” to these old dynamics can create tension between husband and wife particularly if the in-law feels left being responsible for the children without the usual spousal support.

Assumptions may also add to family tensions. “During one holiday visit, while I was engaged in conversation with my family, my children got into a tiff with each other,” Jennifer remembered. “I wasn’t aware of what was happening but my brother-in-law made the assumption that I was ignoring them and his children, who were older, had to referee the squabble. When he confronted me, we both needed to apologize after we had sorted it all out.” Everyone has their own way of parenting, handling chores, etc., and assumptions can lead to conflicts or unresolved anger.

A famous Thomas Wolfe quote is “You can’t go home again.” Robert Frost on the other hand said, “Home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” Confused? Dr. Thomas would say it depends on our expectations. “We all bring baggage and childhood issues with us when we go home for the holidays. But there is also that saying that ‘blood is thicker than water.’ I believe there is power in the sense of belonging that is created with the word my. The memories and connection that comes from being with my family have enormous impact.”

If you and your spouse are having difficulty negotiating or keeping healthy boundaries for holiday celebrations, make an appointment for help in developing a plan.
Call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, for an appointment.