Associates in Christian Counseling

An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, co-author of
The Five Languages of Apology

How did the idea of an apology language first come to your mind?
During my six years of graduate training in clinical psychology at the University of MD, I made note cards in an effort to integrate my secular training with my Christian faith. They contained Scriptures and quotes related to psychological topics and were divided into sections about conflict, forgiveness, grief, marriage, parenting, etc. Ten years ago, I made a note card that listed several different parts of an apology. At that time, I only had three parts of an apology, but I added to the list over the years and finally arrived at our five parts of an apology. Believe it or not, the number five was coincidental-- not an effort to come up with five things because that makes for a catchy book title!

Four years ago, my husband and I had a disagreement just before we were to teach about forgiveness to a pre-marital class at our church. Hmmm, fresh material for what we were planning to teach about the parts of a complete apology! As he and I worked through our own argument, I offered an apology to him that failed to hit the mark. Normally, I might have been miffed by his response, but this time my clinical curiosity took over and, fortunately, I asked him what he would like to hear in my apology. While I had been saying, “I’m sorry,” he needed to hear me say “I was wrong.” Thus, the concept of apology languages was born as we prepared our talk for the class.

How did you connect your ideas with Dr. Chapman’s love languages?
The couples in our pre-marital class were already familiar with The Five Love Languages. My husband and I concluded the class by linking the two concepts together by saying “Just as you have learned that you should convey love in a language that speaks love to your fiancée, you should also speak your apologies in their dialect.”

What is the area of impact from this book about which you’re most excited?
I know that our God is a God of reconciliation. He wants us to be reconciled to Him and to each other. One of my favorite Scriptures is Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (NIV). Having heard from several who have already read the book, I am looking forward to hearing more stories of how it is being used repair all types of strained relationships in families, between friends, and among co-workers.

What has this experience been like as a first-time author?
I am having a wonderful experience as a first-time author! I feel so blessed to have teamed up with Gary Chapman who is a brilliant writer and Moody’s Northfield Press in Chicago. While some people resist change, I’ve always invited breaks from routines. Consequently, I’ve enjoyed each new experience and the thrill of seeing each step completed to bring this project to life. One novel experience was the trip that Gary and I made to Chicago in June to record the unabridged audio book version. While Gary is accustomed to traveling alone, he was a great sport about sharing the trip with me, my supportive husband, and our new baby.

Jennifer says that it has been fun to share the joy of this project with her family. When the finished book was shipped to her home, her 6- and 4-year old children seemed to be as excited as she and her husband. As they unpacked this book with her name on the front cover, however, her children exclaimed, “Oh, wow! Bubble wrap!”

In concluding Jennifer says she is humbled by Dr. Chapman’s graciousness in working with him, but she gives credit to the Lord for both the idea and the opportunity. “While we may not all have the opportunity to be co-authors with someone of world renown,” shared Jennifer, “we need to remember that we each have a Famous One who invites us to join with Him, the author of the universe, to be co-heirs with Christ, entering into the Kingdom by His name only.”

Jennifer Thomas, PhD, is a psychologist with Associates in Christian Counseling.
She is a member of American Association of Christian Counselors. In addition to
her clinical work and writing, she is a wife and mother of three children.