He loves me, he loves me not…

Everywhere you go, there are reminders that Valentine’s Day is nearly here. The romantic choices are endless—candy, cards, candlelight dinners. But how do we make it from hearts and flowers to a commitment that lasts a lifetime? ACC therapist, Jane Bailey, LPC, shares insights for success from her work with couples.

Mrs. Bailey believes that before you say “I do,” every couple should say “we will” to premarital counseling. She believes this is vital. “Being proactive rather than reactive will help to protect the future of the marriage. A minimum of 4 sessions, 3 to 6 months before the wedding date will provide a couple with a good picture for each other,” she said. At ACC, couples complete a Prepare and Enrich Inventory. This tool identifies the strengths each person brings to the relationship as well as growth areas, which they will need to address together.

“The success rate for couples that had premarital counseling is higher than for those who did not. With the rate of divorce as high within the church as the culture in general, many churches are now requiring premarital counseling,” she stated. “Some churches also offer marriage mentoring for those newly married.” Bailey also sees a greater willingness for blended families to come, particularly to discuss issues of ex-spouses, ex-in-laws, and parenting issues.

What happens between wedded bliss and marital conflict? “There are many stressors that impact a marriage. It may be children, finances, or relocating. Or,” Jane says, “ it may be making presumptions about a spouse without asking for clarification. I like to refer to this as ‘jumping to confusion.’” When communication breaks down and conflicts are not resolved, bitterness will follow. Mrs. Bailey calls this “nursing, cursing, and rehearsing.” A person will nurse and rehearse a situation in their mind, often moving into blaming and shaming their spouse. At this point they need help to break the cycle.

“In the ideal situation, a couple will come together for counseling. In I Corinthians 13:11, the apostle Paul talks about putting childish things behind him. If each person will put away their childish things and own their own stuff, healing can take place,” Bailey states.

If a spouse comes alone, Jane believes healing can still begin. “Psalm 129:23-24 states, 'Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.' I encourage the one seeking help to discover if there is something they might be contributing to the problem, then to pray about it. Often one person may adjust the temperature in the relationship, just like a thermostat in a home. That may provide enough encouragement for the other person to come. Talking to God about your marriage and spouse, will keep Satan from gaining a foothold.”

In conclusion, Jane shared, “Counseling is work. There is the potential for things to get worse before they get better. For many people, particularly those in highly visible positions, trust is a huge issue. Those in the helping professions, who often give until they are given out, feel they shouldn’t be in need of help themselves. Consequently, this is a big decision for most people.” For the couple who longs for their marriage to be a place of acceptance and understanding, a safe haven for their hearts, and the covenant relationship God intended, not making that decision may be the most costly choice of all.