And they lived happily ever after…

Every bride and groom anticipates happily ever after. Someone once said, “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.” How does life, impact happily ever after? Dr. Gary Chapman shares some of his insights.

Dr. Chapman did not set out to focus on marriage counseling. He describes himself as “pushed into it.” He began teaching classes, people began talking, and he began doing a lot of counseling. The publishing order of several of his books reflects this journey: Toward a Growing Marriage, Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, The Five Love Languages, and Covenant Marriage.

When asked to reflect on changes he has seen over his 33+ years of marriage counseling, he mentioned two in particular. “First,” he said, “everyone lives under much more pressure now. They are all doing more with their vocations, their children, and their churches. In some cases, they don’t really have the time to be married! They are not touching each other’s hearts.”

Second, Chapman observes that people seem to want more out of marriage. “I believe perhaps people were more content years ago, or expected less. If people weren’t fighting, the bills were paid, and the children were well raised, that was good. Now they want more emotionally,” he said. Wanting more emotionally is a good thing. His sense, however, is that some expectations may be very unrealistic due to the media’s portrayal of love and marriage.

When asked to reflect on the most common issue he has seen, Dr. Chapman answered from his pastor’s heart. He said he believes, “The heart of every problem, above all else, is self-centeredness. All struggles come from that.” He went on to say, that in his experience, the greatest difficulty to overcome in a struggling marriage is the willingness to see oneself as part of the problem. He suggests couples consider outside help when their best efforts aren’t improving the situation, and their struggles drain them of the energy to function in other areas of their lives.

In closing, Gary shared his proactive prescription to keep a marriage healthy:

• Have a daily time to share life and keep connected. Talk not just about the details, but about how you each feel about the things that are going on.
  
• Learn to speak each other’s love language.
  
• Be involved in Christian fellowship. This allows for input from outsiders as well as opportunities to share and serve.
  
• Have a date on a regular basis. This is particularly important if you have children at home. It need not be expensive or elaborate, just a time of doing something you both enjoy.
  
• At least once a year, read a book together on marriage, attend a class, or a marriage conference.