Men: Friendship and Fatherhood—
An Interview with Dr. Heath Greene

Perhaps the most common topic for literature and films is relationships between men and women. What of the relationships between men—friendships between peers, fathers with sons, sons with fathers? Dr. Greene shares his insights on these as we approach Father’s Day.

To begin, how would you describe the way men view and experience friendship?
Both research and anecdotal evidence would suggest that friendships between men are more likely to be activity oriented. It is convenient to be together either to attend an event such as a ballgame or to participate in an activity like golf. These would not be the only reasons that men get together but they are certainly seen as “safe” reasons. Even these safe reasons may become a catalyst for deeper conversations, sharing, and personal growth but that level of transparency is less likely to be the initial primary motivator for being together.

What do you see as some of the reasons for this approach to friendships between men?
To begin, I believe to some degree this is a more western phenomenon. Our culture has gradually shifted its definition of manhood from “no longer being a boy” to “not feminine.” When we think of “no longer being a boy,” we think of a process of maturing from one stage of development to another. When we switch to “not feminine,” we think of feminine traits and strive for the opposite. From this perspective, for instance, men would be unemotional, independent, and more likely to be loners. In adopting this definition of manliness, we lose a significant portion of who I think men were designed to be. In many ways we have translated the image of the Lone Ranger of yesterday into the successful businessman of today.

How would you describe some of the common difficulties between sons and their fathers?
I would have to say that miscommunication is a major hurdle between sons and fathers. Often a father sees his son in his own image. That perception, however, may not be based in the reality of who his son really is. Disillusionment follows when a son doesn’t fit into the father’s mold. One key for fathers is to see their sons for who they are with their unique gifts and challenges.

In addition, fathers often fall into the trap of having to be the teacher in all interactions, always having the answer for their sons. While this is admirable, it often leaves a chasm between fathers and sons where the father is always right, and the son once again feels wrong.

On the other hand, sons are often busy making sure they are different from their fathers. In this process sons run the risk of not only making their fathers feel unwelcome, but also of casting aside important parts of their own personalities in an effort to be seen as unique.

As men mature, it seems to help when they can see their fathers as other men and not exclusively as a father. This may help a man recognize that he has more in common with his father than he may have imagined. At times sons get wrapped up in resentment and frustration that their fathers did not parent them as they feel they should have. In a broad sense, this is true for all men. While some have truly endured deep wounds of omission or commission from their fathers, many men need to recognize their fathers are imperfect and take them out of the place of having to be God.

Looking in the other direction, what suggestions would you make to fathers to strengthen their relationships with their sons?
It would be most important to see them as their own person. Hear and see him as a separate individual. Let go of expectations and just be together without an agenda. In addition, fathers often get caught up in the idea of having to be the expert or the one in charge. Many fathers have found great freedom in being able to finally tell their sons they don’t have all the answers and sharing some of their own frustrations and worries. Sons need to learn how to handle failure as much as they do success. Fathers give their sons a great gift when they can model humility and admit mistakes.

Finally, what suggestions would you make to men as Father’s Day approaches?
The most important suggestion I can make is don’t wait for the other person to change! I have seen many fathers and sons who care deeply for each other but who have bought into the cultural norm of not sharing that with the other.

It is amazing to see how liberated men feel when they simply talk openly with each other. There is often a place of real woundedness behind the traits of another person that we find offensive. Try to see the pain beyond those parts. Instead of focusing on them, consider forgiveness. Forgiveness is often misunderstood to mean accepting offenses or restoring trust. Neither of those is required to forgive. But there is emotional healing for those who forgive and often a first step toward healing and a new beginning in a damaged relationship.

©2008Associates in Christian Counseling, all rights reserved.

If you are struggling for healing in relationship with your father or your son and would like help, call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, to make an appointment.