Associates in Christian Counseling

Can I Come Home?

While having dinner recently with friends, the topic of adult children came up. One woman stated very emphatically, “The empty nest is a lie!” She and her husband have experienced what many parents have, adult children coming home. Some come straight from college; some come to finish their education; some come for financial reasons; some come with grandchildren—with or without spouses.

Historically, many young people married and stayed at or near home. We’ve all seen the farm houses with extra rooms tacked on here and there as families grew. It was part of survival to work together. Then came the times when everyone moved away whether to get an education or climb the corporate ladder. The trend today, however, is increasingly headed home.

For many, the reason is financial. In some areas, it may be hard to live on your own earning an entry-level salary. For many others, the reality of credit card and student loan debt makes it impossible. For still others, the practicality of living at home makes it possible to finish their education.

For some, setbacks send them home. “Broken marriage is the most common stressor that creates this dilemma. Each year, nearly half a million young people between 20 and 24 are divorced, and many of them return to Mom and Dad in their time of crisis.” [Boomerang Children. Dr. Bruce Narramore & Dr. Vern Lewis, www.ncfliving.org] For others, it may be the loss of a job, an illness, or an accident.

In his book, Parenting Your Adult Child, Dr. Gary Chapman describes another group as “strugglers.” These are the young people who “find the outside world threatening and don’t want to struggle on their own. They do not see the world as their oyster and do not want to leave the security of home.” [p.61] Narramore says, “These young men and women are trying to delay entrance into the real world because they don’t want the responsibilities that come with being independent.” [p. 3]

Chapman suggests that parents with adult children living at home consider themselves fortunate in many ways. “First, they are able to help their children; many parents lose close contact with their adult children….With these returning children, parents can form new bonds of love and affection while strengthening old ones; this can bring about some of the most meaningful memories between parents and children.” [p. 61-62] Due to birth order, this may provide the first one-on-one time for parent and child to grow and nurture their relationship apart from siblings.

Whatever the circumstances which raise the question—“Can I come home?”—it is an opportunity for all involved. Whether the answer is yes or no, the decision should not be reached lightly or impulsively. To simply enable a child does not help them move along the road to independence. Life, however, doesn’t often offer us a second chance. Having an adult child move home may provide a unique opportunity to do some things differently, to bring healing to the relationship, and a chance to know and appreciate each other as adults. It can be a time of great blessing.

If you are facing these issues and looking for guidance, please call
336-896-0065, ext. 203, to schedule an appointment.