Associates in Christian Counseling

Being Understood: The Art of Listening and Speaking

Mother says to child: I want you to clean up your room.
Child hears: You want to wring all the joy from my life!

In reflecting on the parent-child relationship, one of the first things that comes to mind for Associates’ therapist, Teresa Tindall, is communication. She sees it as foundational to the quality of all relationships.

“Every parent wants to have a good relationship with their son or daughter. In order to do that,” Teresa shared, “you have to really know your child. In order to really know your child there has to be trust. Trust is built with open, honest communication.” This involves more than just being aware of the details of life—grades, schedules, etc.

There are several things a parent can do to build a good relationship. “The most obvious one is spending quality time together. You cannot build a good relationship with anyone without spending time together,” stated Mrs. Tindall. With children, this may mean being available when they are ready for quality time! “Another simple thing is to know your child’s love language. If you speak in their language, your will have more success.”

We all cherish the precious things our children learn from imitation as they learn to speak and play. That doesn’t end with toddlerhood. Children watch and observe the adults in their lives. Teresa suggests parents look at themselves to see how they speak to each other; how they speak about others; what behaviors they are modeling for their children.
“You cannot expect your child to treat others with respect if they haven’t seen it modeled at home.”

School brings unique challenges to family communications. A child may bring home an excellent grade or report card and receive a special celebration. He feels wonderful! If his academic success continues, the special celebration may not happen the next time. Without realizing, Mom and Dad may have shifted their thoughts from celebration to expectation. The child may be left wondering, what do I have to do to get their attention now? This connection between performance and self-worth is not a healthy one.

As a new school year begins, Mrs. Tindall believes it is the perfect time to sit down and discuss everyone’s expectations particularly if the child is at a transition from one school level to another. “It is important to dialogue about bedtimes, curfews, phone use, etc. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your child would propose but it is important to the relationship that they feel heard, that their thoughts are important to you. This is particularly important because of how technology has changed the world with cell phones, texting, IMs and Facebook since we were their age.”

“I believe that part of a parents’ role is to educate your child to things they will encounter in the world. Many of the teens I work with are angry because they feel they have been overly protected and become overwhelmed by words and situations they encounter,” explained Teresa. “Part of good relationship is to help prepare your child for their expanding circle of contact with the world and to keep communication open so they are always comfortable coming back to dialogue with you.”

Some parents unconsciously try to live through their children. This unspoken expectation puts pressure on a child to be or do something in order to make someone else happy. As you communicate, strive to discover your child’s gifts and their interests, even if those are not your areas of interest. God has made them who they are with their own unique passions to be pursued.

“I like to tell parents to ‘Bless your children with words daily’, said Teresa. They need to know that they are loved unconditionally for who they are, not for what they accomplish.