Apology 101 - Dr. Jennifer Thomas

Do people at work, friends, and family rarely hear you apologize? We have a natural tendency to gloss over what we have done wrong. As a result, your apologies may be long overdue.

Perhaps we hope that if we don't say how self-centered or thoughtless we have been, others won't take notice and scold us. Ironically, the opposite is true. Others are hesitant to forgive us if we really don't seem to “get it.” Further, if we don't seem to recognize all of the pain that we have caused, aren't we likely to just hurt them again?

What do I need to know in order to apologize well?
As we have talked about our own successes and failures in apologizing, my husband and I have realized that we have separate "apology languages." Those who are familiar with the landmark work of Dr. Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages (1992) will recognize this concept of "languages.” Dr. Chapman's premise is that many relationship problems stem from miscommunication. Specifically, he makes the intriguing suggestion that in order to be "heard" by others, we need to speak not in our natural language, but in the language of the listener.

How do apology languages work?
Have you ever tried to apologize, only to be rebuffed? It may be that you were offering a partial apology in a "language" that was foreign to your listener.

When we feel a Godly call to apologize, we should act with urgency to repair the problem. These apology languages should help us bravely list all that we have done wrong, how this has "put out" the other person, show our concern for them, and explain what will truly be different next time. In order to give the most successful apologies, you should ask the people close to you what they most like to hear in an apology. After you learn the apology languages of your friends, family members and co-workers, you will have the extra benefit of being able to give targeted apologies. These apologies will hit their mark and impart the full measure of your sincerity.

How do apology languages influence my own marriage?
To my husband, being accurate is important. Thus, my apologies should include “I was wrong” in order for him to best hear my remorse. In contrast, feelings are of central importance to me. I need to hear him say that he is concerned about my feelings, that he is sorry. Here in our 13th year of marriage, we are finally learning to shorten our arguments by apologizing not in our own languages, but in the language that our spouse will hear.

What if I don't WANT to apologize?
We may lack the motivation to overcome our pride, give up our desire to be right, and apologize. We may try to avoid shame and preserve our self-image. It may be easier to pretend that we have not done anything wrong – to sweep it under the rug and maintain the child-like notion that if we don't face something, it isn't there. Unfortunately, glossing over our faults fosters resentment because we are not facing the hurt that we have done.

When I was a child, I believed that I was not a sinner because Jesus had come to save us from sin. Only later did I grasp the full truth of the Gospel: that Jesus died because we do sin and we need Him to save us from the consequences of that sin by cleansing us through His sacrifice. It is only when we humbly acknowledge our mistakes that we can embrace the fullness of mercy from God and from others. Cheap apologies only yield cheap grace. We must move beyond our old patterns to true understanding and forgiveness as modeled in the Bible. In the Scriptures, we are repeatedly instructed to confess our sins- this is the act of apology:

Proverbs 28:13 (NIV):
He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

James 5:16a (NIV):
Therefore confess your sins to each other
so that you may be healed.

Sincere apologies are a precious gift. They impart a feeling to the receiver of being deeply valued. Further, they smooth the way to true forgiveness and reconciliation. May you surprise others with the transparency, humility, and boldness of your apologies this year!

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