Letting Go of Your Adult Child — A Story in Three Parts

Part Two: What if it’s not what I think is best?

Garrison Keillor told us that in Lake Wobegon “all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.” This has come to be known as “the Lake Wobegon effect.” Most of us know families where everything is above average….or at least we conclude that based on what’s reported…or we perceive it to be so based on what we assume. Often this idea is as fictional as the town of Lake Wobegon. Families are made of people; people are human; humans aren’t perfect.

Many families suffer in silence as their adult children make choices that don’t seem to be the best, or in other cases, are absolutely self-defeating or destructive. As Christians, we believe that children are a sacred trust from God. Every parent knows Proverbs 22:6—“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” If he departs, parents are quick to assume they didn’t train him up well enough…or that God has not kept His promise. There is another possibility.

In order to gain wisdom for these hard questions, we can turn to Scripture as it recounts the story of that first parent—God Himself. His children, Adam and Eve, were set into a perfect world—great beauty, no sin and fellowship with their Father. Obviously, part of their created personality was free will…which they both exercised by disobeying the prohibition about that fruit! What was God’s response? Yes, there were consequences for their action—work, pain, death. But God did not nag them, belittle them, spy on them, or attempt to control them. In the New Testament parents look to the parable of the prodigal son. He was arrogant and foolish but came back repentant. Often we forget to look at the father. He didn’t try to micro-manage the son’s decision. He didn’t tell him what a bad idea it was or the thousand ways it could fail. Once he left, he also did not follow, try to find him, or beg him to come home. He did wait, watch, and we might assume pray.

When do we let go of an adult child?
• Is it when they go to college? A new phrase was coined a few years ago: helicopter parents. These are moms and dads who are obsessive about the well-being and progress of their child going so far as to be involved with college professors and even perspective employers.

• Is it when we’ve worn ourselves out emotionally and financially bailing them out of one difficult situation after another?

• Is it when they are doing everything exactly the way we think is best? We need only look back to Scripture to know this is not the answer.

There is no one simple answer to every situation. Families are different. A good starting place, however, is healthy boundaries. Many things contribute to unhealthy boundaries. It may be as simple as pride—not wanting the neighbors or the church family to know. It may be complicated by being financially able to “fix” a situation again and again.

If you are struggling to know if it’s time to let go of your adult child, or to even know what that “letting go” would look like, there are things you can do.
• Talk to someone who has been on this journey
• Find a support group
• Read books on boundaries or parenting adult children
• Seek professional help

Every parent’s heart aches when their child struggles. We would do anything to save them from pain. Sometimes, however, the most loving thing a parent can do is to let go, to watch, to wait, and to pray.

©2008 Associates in Christian Counseling, all rights reserved.

If your heart is broken over a prodigal child and you don’t know how or when to let go,
call 336-896-0065, ext. 203, to find help and direction.